A Glimpse into the Past
by Orrymain
Summary: Daniel faces his past after having a roll of film developed from his childhood.


A Glimpse into the Past Author: Orrymain Author Email: (Feedback welcome)  
Author Website: Category: Slash, H/C of the mental kind, Romance, Established Relationship Pairing: Jack/Daniel ... and it's all J/D Rating: PG-13 Season: 2 Spoilers: None Size: 29kb, short story Written: November 5-6,8, 2003 Revised: January 18, March 19, July 11,17, 2005 Summary: Daniel faces his past after having a roll of film developed from his childhood.  
Disclaimer: Usual disclaimers -- not mine, wish they were, especially Daniel, and Jack, too, but they aren't. A gal can dream though!  
Notes: 1) Silent, unspoken thoughts by various characters are indicated with in front and behind them, such as Where am I? 2) This story stands alone, but is a follow up to my fic, "Echoes of the Past"  
3) Thanks to my betas who always make my fics better: Drdjlover, Tina, QuinGem, Claudia, Allexandrya, Gail!

A Glimpse into the Past by Orrymain

"Big game tonight, Dannyboy. Don't be late!" Jack reminded cheerfully as he stood in Daniel's office at the SGC.

"Geez, Jack, you'd think it was the Stanley Cup or something."

"Not quite, but I've been waiting all season to see this hotshot rookie, and this is going to be my only chance. Don't be late," Jack repeated anxiously.

"Jack, look, I'll even wait for you on the curb. You won't even have to come up. Okay?" Daniel asked, trying to put his lover at ease, if only so that he could get back to the research he was doing.

"I do love you," Jack teased as he headed for the door, looking over his shoulder at Daniel who was about to go back to his work. "Sixteen-thirty, and not a minute later."

"Sixteen-thirty?"

"Daniel ... four-thirty," Jack clarified tensely.

"Oh, right," Daniel teased, loving being the teaser instead of the teasee for a change.

"You did that on purpose!" Jack accused.

"Score one for the civilian," Daniel chimed, grinning wickedly as he returned his focus to his papers.

"Geeks!" Jack mocked as he exited the room.

"I'll get you for that," Daniel threatened the air.

"Looking forward to it!" Jack called out from the hallway.

"Oh for ... answer the blasted phone ... 'I'll be on the curb, Jack'," the older man mimicked sarcastically as he tossed the cell phone down onto the seat.

Jack pulled into an empty parking space and got out of his truck, slamming the door shut. He ran into Daniel's apartment building, swearing under his breath. His anger growing by the second, Jack entered the elevator and pressed the button for Daniel's floor, muttering death threats as the elevator rose.

I can't believe him, being late like this. I'm going to wring his cute little neck. 'I'll be waiting for you', my foot. Four-thirty. For crying out loud, I blasted converted the time for him. Traffic is going to be murder now.

"Mister Insensitivity," Jack whined out loud as he checked his watch yet again, noting it was now 4:52 p.m. "You are so dead, Daniel," Jack grumbled as he exited the elevator and began closing the gap between himself and Daniel's eighth-floor apartment.

Unlocking the door and his blood pressure having risen to dangerous levels, Jack was fully prepared to follow through on his murderous feelings and drag Daniel out kicking and screaming if he had to. Daniel knew how important this game was to Jack, and it irritated the older man that he was sure Daniel was simply lost in some book or old relic and had forgotten all about Jack and the game.

S'pose I should be happy that he at least remembered to lock the friggin' door. Full of anger, Jack opened the door, walked in, and was about to bellow out an enraged, "Daniel, get your butt over here" when he was stopped short by the image of his lover, huddled into himself in the corner of the sofa.

Dressed in his blue sweats, Daniel's back was at the edge of the couch, his knees drawn up to his chest with his bare feet on the sofa cushions. On the coffee table were a number of photographs, and Jack saw more pictures scattered on the floor, with a few on the sofa, and even more in Daniel's hands.

Even so, what had truly stopped Jack's outburst were the tears running full force down Daniel's face. Every ounce of anger and rage that Jack had been feeling completely dissipated. All he felt now was love, concern, and a gigantic need to comfort his lover.

Jack hurried over to the sofa, moved some of the photos to keep them from harm, and sat down close to Daniel, wrapping his arms around his lover.

"Ah, Danny," Jack spoke softly as he raised his hands to the wet face of his soulmate. He pulled back a little so that he could look into Daniel's eyes. "I love you, Danny, love you so much."

"Jack?"

Daniel only now realized Jack had entered the apartment, and a look of confusion crossed his face as the tears continued to fall.

"Yeah, that's me. C'mere you, I need you to help me."

"Help?"

"Yes. I'm cold and very lonely. I need you here next to me to keep me warm, remind me that I'm never alone when you're here, that you love me no matter what, forever."

Daniel blinked a couple of times, more tears escaping as he inched over into Jack's tender embrace. Jack kissed his lover on the top of his head, running his fingers through the soft strands of Daniel's shaggy hair, and then, he used the palm of his hand to hold Daniel close to him, massaging gently, his chin resting against Daniel's head.

After a minute or so, Jack glanced towards the photos and asked, "Mary?"

Daniel nodded, explaining, "Film was here when I got home. I took it to the one-hour place. After all these years, they came out really well. I miss them, Jack. Gawd ..."

Daniel let out another burst of tears. Jack suppressed a few of his own as he gently swayed his lover back and forth, placing kiss after kiss wherever he could. He held Daniel tightly, repeating his words of love over and over.

Mary McClintock was a former schoolmate and friend of Daniel's mother, Claire. She had volunteered at the New York Museum of Art and had visited with Claire, Melburn, and Daniel the morning of the disaster that ended the lives of Daniel's parents.

Upon their trip to New York City earlier in the year, Jack and Daniel had run into Mary at the museum, and she told them that she had a roll of undeveloped film that Claire had given her, as well as a few assorted photographs of Claire from college that she thought Daniel might enjoy. Mary had given Daniel her card and told him to contact her if he wanted the film. He had done so not long ago, but was unsure whether or not the film would actually develop very well.

Minutes passed, and Daniel calmed again as Jack continued to hold him.

"Sorry," Daniel sniffled. "Being silly."

"No, you're not," Jack assured. "These are your parents. There's not one thing silly about missing or mourning them."

"But it's been so long ..."

"Danny, when did you let yourself cry for them?" Silence loomed in the air. "That's the thing, Love. You never grieved for them. You locked yourself away and learned how to be an adult at eight-years-old. That little boy inside you never cried, not for himself and not for his loss. You're just catching up, that's all. Nothing silly about that at all."

"Hurts," Daniel admitted, his body trembling slightly with the tears that were still falling down his cheeks.

"I know," Jack said with true empathy. "Hey," he said a moment later, moving away slightly as he leaned forward to get the photographs. "Tell me about these."

Jack picked up all the photos that were on the coffee table, floor, and sofa, and took the ones that Daniel limply held in his hand. He was putting them in order, right side up, not really looking at them, just wanting them to be ready for easy viewing.

Daniel didn't like the loss of contact from Jack and shifted towards his lover hoping to regain the comfort, but since Jack had leaned forward, the connection was impossible. He had felt safe and loved in Jack's embrace, and, right now, he desperately needed that security.

It wasn't a physical sense of safety that he craved, but of the mental, of grounding himself to the present, of reassuring himself that with Jack, it was okay to visit the past because there was the contentment of the present to come back to. Daniel desperately needed Jack's touch.

Daniel's breathing became more labored, his anxiety mounting with each prolonged second in time that passed. Silently, he wondered when his connection to Jack had become so intense; all he knew was that it had. Jack had taught him that it was okay to reach out and touch and that it was normal and acceptable to speak of needs and wants.

The archaeologist still had a hard time saying what he selfishly desired, but Jack had a way of cajoling him, of getting Daniel to talk; yet, to come out and say, "I need this" was still foreign to the younger man.

Gawd, I'm going to explode if you don't touch me. I need to be connected to you, Jack. Daniel couldn't stand the distance any longer, even though the distance between them was only a matter of inches. "Jack!"

Jack twisted to look at Daniel and saw a panic he didn't quite understand.

"I ... I need you," Daniel managed to whisper, swallowing hard when he was done.

"Ah, Danny, I'm right here." Jack leaned back, pulling his heart to him. He could feel Daniel trembling, sniffles desperately trying to be suppressed as Daniel literally clung to his lover. "Shh, Love. It's okay. I'm not going anywhere; I'm all yours."

Jack continued to quietly hold his love until finally he felt the younger man settle against him calmly, his breathing more normal, the shaking stopped.

"I'm sorry," Daniel said meekly.

"Don't you dare. I told you. I love you, Daniel, and whenever you need me, you'd better tell me. So help me, Love, you hold out on me, and I'll really make you suffer," Jack tried to both tease and reassure.

"Yes, but ..."

"But what?"

"I don't want you to ... to ..."

"To what?" Jack asked tenderly.

"Don't let go of me, Jack."

"Never, not ever." Jack shifted slightly to pull Daniel even closer. Dumb, O'Neill. Shouldn't have let go of him. Well, I've got you now, Danny, and I'm not letting go. Now, about these pictures ... Jack made sure his grip on his lover was secure and then said encouragingly, "Let's look at these."

"No."

At first, Jack thought Daniel didn't want to look at the photos, but then Daniel moved a little and motioned to where he wanted Jack to go. Jack smiled, knowing what Daniel wanted now. It was a position they maneuvered themselves into every now and then and was fast becoming a favorite. It made Jack happy to know that apparently Daniel liked this position too. He hadn't realized until now that Daniel loved this hold as much as he did.

Jack was positioned at the edge of the sofa, somewhat kitty corner, with Daniel leaning his back against Jack's torso. Both of Jack's arms were securely around Daniel's waist, and the young man had his head rested against Jack's left shoulder, leaning slightly against Jack's chin.

"Geez, I love you," Jack spoke as he placed a kiss on Daniel's head.

Jack had to be honest with himself. Most of him hated the pain his lover was in, but there was a piece of him that was glad that Daniel was learning to speak up for himself and express his wants. He knew that it had been difficult for his lover, that the little boy inside was frightened and needed protection, and for once, Daniel was letting Jack protect him, instead of turning into himself and shutting out the pain.

Jack asked, "Where do you want to start?"

"I love you, Jack."

"I know, My Love. I love to hear you say it, though."

"Look," Daniel said tentatively, taking the photos from Jack, "our last week in Egypt."

Jack's hands snaked under Daniel's sweatshirt, lovingly caressing Daniel's abdomen as he viewed the photos and listened.

"Is that you?"

"See ... told you," Daniel chuckled softly. "Daddy would carry me on his shoulders as he walked around the dig sites."

Daniel turned to the next photo and Jack laughed loudly.

"Danny, you lost your drawers?"

"It wasn't funny, Jack," Daniel chastised, cringing at the photo, though it wasn't a bad feeling really.

"Oh, I've got to hear this story."

Daniel wasn't the least bit tense, so Jack had felt it was safe to tease. The photo was of an eight-year-old Daniel running along the side of the pyramid, completely naked. The shot was from behind, so it was a "rear" shot, his long hair flopping in the back, and at the edge of the frame was a camel, apparently following him.

"I was so embarrassed," Daniel admitted.

"Is that camel really chasing you?"

"Yes. Mommy ... Mom ..."

"Danny, it's just me. Let Danny tell the story," Jack urged his lover.

Daniel sighed contently. He had never realized just how much work it took to cover up true emotion until he didn't have to. He began again, and this time, he didn't try to edit himself, to say adult words. He let his inner child, the little boy, tell the tale.

"Mommy was visiting at the tent next door for a minute, and I was hot. I was changing, and then there was this big beast; um, well, okay, so it wasn't a beast, it was a camel, but at the time ..."

"At the time it scared the living daylights out of you."

"Yes, I ran and ran until I found Daddy. I thought he'd be mad at me for disrupting everything."

"Was he?"

"No. He laughed at first, though, until he saw I was really upset and scared."

"What did he do?"

"He smiled and picked me up. I felt so safe in his arms. He told me he loved me and that he'd protect me from everything bad in the world, from all the monsters and beasts, and even camels," Daniel sniffled, recalling the words his father had spoken.

"Some of the workers chuckled, but Daddy gave them a look, and they stopped. He carried me all the way back to the tent, and stayed with me until Mommy got done. He held me and told me a story about when he was a little boy and ran away from spiders."

"Spiders?"

"He said he used to be really afraid of spiders, but then he faced his fear, made himself outlast it, pick them up and stuff."

"At least he didn't make you pick up a camel."

"No, he made me ride one," Daniel revealed, his voice sounding light and free with the memory.

Jack laughed, loving Daniel's parents more and more with each new story he heard.

"Who took the photo?"

"I don't know. Mommy always left the camera out, and everyone knew she was picture crazy. She always told them to use it, so someone probably saw me and took it. She didn't know what had happened until she came back to the tent, and Daddy told her."

"Hey, look at you, digging so happily," Jack said as he studied another photograph. "Wow, what a smile you had on your face, Danny."

"I was Daddy's helper. He was testing me."

"I'll bet you passed with flying colors."

Daniel blushed, and then they looked at more photos -- of Claire homeschooling her son, Claire and Mel tickling Daniel unmercifully in the tent, Daniel hugging some of their friends as they were saying goodbye, Daniel on the camel that had been chasing him, Claire and Mel kissing, and one of the three of them in front of a collection of relics from the dig.

Jack and Daniel spent hours talking about the photos and the memories associated with them. When they were done, it was well after nine o'clock. They hadn't eaten. They hadn't even moved. Daniel had cried more tears than he knew he had, and Jack had shed a few himself in spite of his intention of not doing so.

Daniel had put the photos down on the coffee table and was relaxing against Jack. They hadn't said anything in several minutes, but had simply continued to caress and touch. Jack and Daniel often spoke without words, and that's what they were doing now, with their touches. After a while, Daniel fell asleep, turning slightly to nuzzle into Jack's neck.

Geez, how I love you, Jack thought. He smiled at the love and trust Daniel was giving him, knowing no one else in the world could make Daniel feel so safe. He glanced down at the photos, the top one being the family shot with the relics. Jack remembered making a promise to Daniel's parents not long ago, after the incident with the Gamekeeper. He reaffirmed that promise as he whispered, "I'll take care of him for you, I promise. I'll love and treasure his precious spirit forever. Geez, I wish you were here for him, but I'll do my best to make him happy, forever. I'll keep your Danny safe."

Jack felt a couple of tears escaping from his eyes and wished he could reach for his handkerchief, but his hold on Daniel was just right, and he wouldn't disturb his love just for a handkerchief. Then he heard a small sniffle.

Daniel shifted and looked up at his soulmate. He smiled, reached up, and dried Jack's tears with his hand. The younger man said nothing, but he snuggled even closer to his Love, his hand continuing to caress Jack's cheek, to dry the tears.

Sometime later, both fell asleep, their hold on each other firm.

Shortly after midnight, Daniel awoke, and as he moved, Jack woke up, too.

"Hey there."

"Hey, I have to ..." Daniel began, not bothering to finish his sentence as moved quickly off his lover and the sofa.

"Yeah, me too," Jack chuckled as he rose. "Race ya ..."

"Jaaaack."

A few minutes later, their calls of nature taken care of, the two lingered near the kitchen.

"I'm starved, Danny. I sure hope you have something in here." Jack opened the refrigerator as Daniel checked the cupboards. "Ah, hot dogs -- perfect," Jack said as he pulled them out.

"Hot dogs," Daniel repeated, a look of dismay crossing his face. "Jack, we missed the game. Gawd, I didn't even think about it. I'm so sorry."

Jack tossed the package of the beef franks onto the counter and approached Daniel, scooping him up into arms.

"I don't regret missing that game, not one bit. I'd rather be here with you."

"But that rookie ... you said ..."

"Danny, he's just a rookie. Next year, he'll be a veteran. He's a guy who plays a sport. He's a hobby. You, my beautiful falling star, you're my life. Big difference."

Jack leaned in and kissed Daniel on the lips, their kiss soon escalating, their tongues waltzing together as their arms enveloped the other. Tiny moans of content escaped from their throats, and when they were done, Daniel let out a happy sigh as he leaned into Jack's embrace.

"Thank you, Jack, for loving me so much that you'd ..."

"Miss a hockey game? Geez, Daniel, that's nothing. I'd do ..."

"No," Daniel interrupted, moving to look into Jack's eyes, "for loving me so much that you'd ... promise my parents."

"Yeah, I sorta figured you heard that. They were good people, Danny. I just figure they'd want to know that I love you, that's all."

"Jack, would you really tell them, if you could?"

"Sure; wouldn't hesitate." Daniel leaned into Jack again, and the older man knew there was more to come. "Tell me what you're thinking."

"I keep saying that I want to honor them, remember those fun times in the photos, and not ... not the museum."

"I know. I think you're doing great, too," Jack replied as he caressed Daniel's cheek. You've made great strides in that, Danny, but it takes time.

"I need to say goodbye to them, Jack. I never got to say goodbye."

Jack thought for a moment, trying to figure out what Daniel meant, and then he knew.

"They didn't let you go to the funeral, did they?"

"I guess it depends how you look at it. I ... I was there, faraway with ... with someone who ... who doesn't really matter now."

"Who?"

"No one important. I never saw my parents again, not even for a second. I remember asking if I could go to the funeral, but everyone said I'd be in the way. Finally, this, uh, person took me, but we stood far away. I didn't even know what was being said, or who was saying it. All I remember are people in the distance, standing over some ... hole in the ground." Daniel let out a sad laugh, "Instead of saying goodbye and burying my parents, I had to listen to some folk tale."

"What?"

"Don't ask. Long story that doesn't matter."

Yes, it does, Danny, but we'll save that for another time. Right now, we have to get through this, Jack decided silently.

"So, we stood by the road, so far away, I hadn't a clue what was happening, and no one even knew I was there. Then," Daniel laughed in disbelief, "we went to eat. Waffles. My favorite food. He thought waffles would make everything all right. Gawd."

"Who is he?"

"Just some man they made me stay with for a few days."

"Geez, Danny. Are you telling me the absolute last time you saw your folks was ..."

Daniel nodded, his expression full of sadness, as he affirmed, "Their blood, the ... I saw them ... and they took them away, and I never saw them again. I couldn't even tell them I loved them. I need to say goodbye, Jack."

Jack nodded and softly asked, "Do you know where they are buried?"

"Jack, it sounds dumb, but I'm not sure. I should know, Jack, but I don't. Gawd, I don't. They kept me away, kept telling me I was too young to be worrying about such things. I didn't know where we were. We drove for hours, or it seemed like hours, but we made stops, and I ..."

"Daniel, take a deep breath," Jack suggested, trying to get his anxiety-ridden lover calm again.

Daniel nodded and took several calming breaths.

Not helping. I was so dumb. Daniel closed his eyes, trying to sort through that horrible time in his past. "I guess ... it must be in New York, but I ... I don't ... I don't know. When I grew up, I just ... I didn't ... gawd, I abandoned them like they abandoned me. I mean ..."

"Danny, you said exactly what you meant." Jack pulled back and gently pushed the shaggy hair out of Daniel's eyes. "Listen, those feelings aren't going to go away over night, and not even over a couple of months of finally allowing yourself to remember."

"But ..."

Jack kissed Daniel, a brief tender union of their lips, and spoke again.

"Daniel, you were eight-years-old when you witnessed a nightmare. You didn't understand, and I don't give a fig about your genius. You were a boy, a child, whose parents died in front of your eyes and left you alone, alone in a world where no one else seemed to care. Now, to an eight-year-old boy, that's abandonment."

"I'm not eight-years-old anymore."

"Thank goodness for that," Jack laughed briefly, "and that's why you're finally ready, ready to face the sadness, the pointlessness, and ... I don't know, Danny, just ready to let go, but, My Love, you have to let them let go, too." Jack took a breath, then continued, "I studied those pictures last night: your parents." He smiled brightly. "I love your parents. They loved you so much. It's obvious from their eyes and their smiles. It's in every picture, and it's in the stories you tell."

"They didn't mean to ... to ..."

"No, they didn't mean to abandon you, and that's the sin. They know what happened, wherever they are. We talked about that at the museum. Let them go, Danny. Let your folks find peace, too. The one thing I know, as a parent, is that as long as your child is in pain, so are you."

Daniel looked down, his hands holding steady over Jack's heart, and then he looked up, saying, "So, I have to be at peace, so that they can be at peace, wherever they are."

Jack nodded, saying, "You free each other. Face your demons, and they can face theirs."

"They don't have any demons," Daniel refuted.

"You wanna bet? Danny, you don't think those two loving, caring people who made you and loved you aren't in some kind of nightmare, knowing they left you behind, alone? And don't you know ... Danny, listen to me." Jack raised his hand to beneath Daniel's chin, forcing his lover to look into his eyes. "Don't you know they've always been with you, loving you, trying to steer you to find your own peace? They're here, Love. I believe that as sure as I know that I love you."

The tears were flowing again as Daniel's blue eyes stared deeply into Jack's brown eyes. Daniel wanted to believe. He wanted to let go. He wanted his parents to be at rest.

"Jack, help me," Daniel begged with every part of his being.

"That's what I'm here for, so we do a little research, okay? We'll start with New York and then branch out. We can do it on our own, or bring in the computer whiz; that's up to you."

"Sam?"

"You know the captain and computers. She'd probably find what we need in half the time, but we can do it ourselves, too. It's up to you, Love."

"Jack, I'm not even sure if where we were was where they were buried. I mean, it could have just been a memorial or something. They wouldn't even talk to me about what was happening. He only took let me go as he did because I kept begging him."

"Danny, who ..." Jack stopped. Whoever Daniel was talking about, Jack knew his lover wasn't ready to discuss him in more detail. Like earlier, the older man decided to put that on hold for the time being. Maybe it's just one of those idiot foster care parents, or maybe one of the workers from that joke of a social services system there. "Okay, we go from scratch, from you've always thought it was a funeral, right?"

"Yes. I remember people on a hill, but I couldn't make them out. I was too young. No one wanted to talk to me. No one ... no one cared what I said, not that I had a lot to say. I ... I didn't really."

"I love you, Danny."

Daniel smiled and then asked, "And if, I mean, when we find them?"

"We go, say hello, and let them know you're okay. I'll say hi, and thank them for trusting you to me. You'll talk to them for bit; tell them what you've accomplished, and then we'll say goodbye; maybe return for visits from time to time, but that's up to you, too."

"We?"

"No way you're going without me," Jack stated firmly.

"Promise?"

"Cross my heart," Jack laughed, crossing his heart and then kissing Daniel again.

Daniel let out a very long, loud breath of release. He felt as if a part of him had just been freed. While he knew this visit to his parents wouldn't be easy, he'd get through it, and be better for it, all because Jack would be there, loving him.

"They'd like you, Jack," Daniel promised.

"Heck, they'd love me. How could they not with all my lovable traits?"

Daniel pulled back, teasing, "Like bellowing like a bear?"

"And nagging you to eat!" Jack teased.

"And mother-henning me like I'm a two-year-old?"

"And being charming, sexy, and smart enough to know a good thing when I see it," Jack said with a gleam in his eye.

"And threatening half of the universe if they even look at me?"

"For loving you more than life itself," Jack said softly.

"They'd love you," Daniel repeated.

"I hope so."

"I do ... so freakin' much. No one would believe this, Jack -- you and me, like this."

"I don't care," Jack replied with a light laugh. "Heaven help me, Danny, I don't. I only care that you love me, and that you let me take care of you. That's a privilege I take very seriously."

"Privilege," Daniel sighed with a small smile.

"Privilege and an honor. You're the ultimate, Daniel Jackson. You may not always believe that, and I may want to strangle you sometimes, but you are ... perfection ... beautiful, beautiful perfection to me."

"Jaaack," Daniel blushed, "men aren't supposed to be beautiful."

"Tough. Get used to it!"

"But, Jaaammmmmmmph..."

Jack decided that between the emotions of reviewing the family photographs, and the intensity of the decision to seek out the gravesites of Daniel's parents, that it was time for a bit of physical nurturing. They had spoken enough words.

He is beautiful. He was still hungry for those hot dogs, but Jack's mind decided, Franks or Daniel? I'll take Daniel, and with that, Jack quieted his lover and adjourned them to the bedroom, where they spent the next two hours engaged in nothing but physical communication that ended only with the breathless words, "Gawd, I saw stars again."

Jack never again thought about the hockey game he had missed, not seriously. He sometimes teased his lover about it, but Daniel knew that Jack loved him. Besides, Daniel would surprise Jack with tickets to the Stanley Cup that year, and that pretty much took care of any lingering complaints.

Their future was still uncertain, and both knew they had their share of ups and downs to face, but what was certain, was that Jack and Daniel were in love, and being together gave both a peace they had never known before. Both hoped that peace would go on forever!

Finis - Finished - Done - The End - But is it ever Really? 


End file.
